Blowjob Blog Archives August 2005

Royal Blowjobs

I'm not a big fan of royalty but that may change if the new British drama about Princess Margaret can be believed. The drama shows the Queen's late sister taking drugs and features graphic scenes including right royal blowjobs and assorted sex acts.

Margaret, played by newcomer Lucy Cohu, is shown in her young, glamorous days giving oral sex and also features her enjoying a lesbian kiss.

Kevin Lygo, Channel 4's director, said "I think some people will find it quite arresting and challenging. It's factually accurate and it's a racy romp."

I'm not sure whether the Queen will be watching it though!

Posted: Wednesday 31st August 2005, 7:17 PM

She Says He Says

We all know that women and men are anatomically different and thank the Lord for that!) but we also THINK differently...

HER DIARY ENTRY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore! He
just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY ENTRY

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for shit.

Got laid though.

Posted: Sunday 28th August 2005, 11:07 AM

Britney Spears Masters Oral Sex

It seems as if pop star Britney Spears has mastered the art of giving oral sex, thanks to a little help from Sex & The City star Kim Cattrall.

Britney is said to have pefected the art of fellatio after reading the Kim Cattrall's book, "Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm".

The sex manual contains graphic diagrams and detailed instructions on how to perform oral sex in different positions.

Looks like Kevin Federline picked a good one to marry eh? Full marks to Britney Spears too, for making an effort to improve her fellatio technique.

Posted: Thursday 25th August 2005, 7:14 PM

Head Job With A Difference

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Posted: Tuesday 23rd August 2005, 5:28 PM

Kama Sutra Fellatio Techniques

For any woman reading this who'd like to improve your fellatio techniques, I have to recommend the Kama Sutra as a great read. The language can be a little cryptic at times but it's worth "deciphering".

Here's a few of my favorite extracts followed by my "plain English" interpretation...

"When your lover catches your penis in her hand and, shaping her lips to an 'O', lays them lightly to its tip, moving her head in tiny circles, this first step is called Nimitta".

Which in plain English means that it's a great way to initiate fellatio if you're not sure what to do when you get down there.

"When, holding the man's penis with her hand, and placing it between her lips, the woman moves about her mouth, it is called the 'nominal congress'".

Again in plain English... this is a very simple technique involving a gentle movement of the lips and tongue around the head of the penis that's a great way to get into the rhythm of performing oral sex on a man.

"Next, grasping its head in her hand, she clamps her lips tightly about the shaft, first on one side then the other, taking great care that her teeth don't hurt you: this is Parshvatoddashta".

Another less intense beginning to fellatio where the blowjob giver gently grips the head of the penis with their fingers and caresses the shaft with her lips and tongue.

"Now she takes the head of your penis gently between her lips, pressing and kissing it tenderly and pulling at its soft skin: this is Bahiha-samdansha".

This technique mimics the final stage of the penis being taken in and withdrawn from the mouth, as the woman kisses the end of the penis as though she's just withdrawn it from her mouth.

"If next she allows the head to slide completely into her mouth and presses the shaft firmly between her lips, holding a moment before pulling away, it is Antaha-samdansha".

The key to giving great head is technique and rhythm. Try variations in your style and rhythm by changing depth, speed and pressure and be aware fo your lovers response to hose changes.

"When, taking your penis in her hand and making her lips very round, she presses fierce kisses along its whole length, sucking as she would at your lower lip, it is called Chumbitaka".

Fellatio isn't just about sucking cock. Don't be afraid to explore the rest of the penis with your tongue and lips.

"If, while kissing, she lets her tongue flick all over your penis and then, pointing it, strikes repeatedly at the sensitive glans-tip, it becomes Parimrshtaka.

Though it might sound a little painful when put that way, aggressive fellatio techniques like this can become very erotic. Remember though, that the head of the penis is a very sensitive area and too much pressure or pain may become extremely uncomfortable for your partner. Keep your eyes and ears open to your partners reactions and don't be afraid to ask if what you are doing is pleasurable or painful. He'll be more than happy to help you get it right.

"And now, fired by passion, she takes your penis deep into her mouth, pulling upon it and sucking as vigorously as though she were stripping clean a mango-stone, this is called Amrachushita".

I think you get the idea

"When she senses that your orgasm is imminent, she swallows up the whole penis, sucking and working upon it with lips and tongue until you spend: this is Sangara".

Swallowing is of course the woman’s prerogative. While some women may be uncomfortable having a man ejaculate in their mouth others aren't happy unless they do. Before giving your partner a blowjob tell him your preference to avoid any nasty surprises.

Posted: Sunday 21st August 2005, 8:16 PM

Greek Oral Sex Island

Seems the Greek people sure know how to put on a party!

I was just reading a story about how alcohol-fueled holiday-makers engaged in depraved Greek island orgies with people stripping naked and groping strangers in sordid sex games on the island of Zante.

The orgies happened in nightclubs, particularly the Baywatch beach bar in the Lagunas resort, where people were given as much drink as they wanted and encouraged to take part in "Sex Olympricks".

For £16 Baywatch party-goers guzzled all the vodka they could. For £3 they got a DVD of the evening romps.

One game involved the girls having three minutes to get guys excited through oral sex.

The goings on came to light after lewd pictures and mobile phone video footage of group sex and lesbians kissing was screened on Greek TV.

Looks like it's time to go and book my Greek island holiday!

Posted: Friday 19th August 2005, 10:03 AM

Porn Shop Girls

I received an interesting email from "Emily" who is one of the girls who work behind the counter at a Porn Shop (she didn't say which one as she wants us all to "insert shop name here").

Here's her plea...

To all the guys who come into the porn shop and hit on the cute young girl working behind the counter... FUCKING STOP IT. This is just my job. For eight hours a day, I sit in a room full of XXX magazines, porn videos, DVD's and sex toys, where I have to deal with guys who, one after another, ask me for a date, phone number, blowjob... etc.

I'm sick and tired of putting up with it. you don't do it to the girl behind the counter at Wal-Mart so why do it to me?

For fuck sakes, I have the ONLY pair of clothed tits in the entire room, yet they're all you can seem to stare at. The only "services" I provide are giving you change so you can jack off to the movies in the arcade, though if you were smart, you'd put some of that change in the porn shop girls tip jar.

OK. Point taken eh?

Posted: Thursday 18th August 2005, 6:13 PM

Sucking Dick

As I'm an avid fan of having my dick sucked, one of the Blowjob Blog's long-time readers "Adrian" (see Gay Blow Job) emailed me about a new hip hop song he likes called "Sucking Dick" by rapper Andrew Singer - aka Soce.

"I suck so much dick it's ridiculous. I suck so much dick I'm getting sick of this," he rhymes.

In case you hadn't noticed, Soce is gay (which is no surprise as Adrian is too! ).

In fact he describes himself as the first Jewish, gay, white rapper who spends his time rapping about the Jewish side, the white side, the gay side. (Soce NOT Andrew)

Just to clarify though... While I don't mind some hip hop rap music, I still prefer to have a sexy woman sucking MY dick

Posted: Tuesday 16th August 2005, 1:09 PM

Handjobs Or Blowjobs?

"HandyGal" emailed me yesterday offering her view on blowjobs. While she's not a fan of oral sex she says it's never caused problems with her lovers as she's "mastered the art of handjobs".

HandyGal reckons she can give a handjob which leaves her man just as satisfied as a blowjob ever would.

All I have to do now is convince HER to meet me so SHE can convince ME!

Posted: Sunday 14th August 2005, 3:09 PM

Shameless Blowjobs

There's a new comedy-drama taking England by storm called "Shameless". After reading the report on the first episode I can see why!

The story is about Frank, an unemployed alcoholic who's been bringing up his six children since his wife left four years ago.

The fun begins when the oldest boy Philip is tutoring a girl from his school, who, with her mother oblivious to proceedings in the next room, pays him by giving him a blowjob under the kitchen table.

A short time later, Philip, having discovered gay magazines in his brother Carl's bedroom, decides to test his sexuality by getting the girl to give Carl a blowjob under the kitchen table. All hell breaks loose when the girl's Dad comes in and discovers this in progress.

Shameless blowjobs indeed!

Posted: Friday 12th August 2005, 4:11 PM

Minet Anyone?

What's that? You don't know what minet is! If ever a pretty woman asks you if you would like minet... say YES! It's the Russian word for oral sex

Now, has anyone heard of the all-girl Russian pop group called "Min Net"? I wonder if they suck?

Posted: Thursday 11th August 2005, 4:54 PM

Asian Turtle Lover Exposed

OK, while I usually rant about blowjobs, oral sex, fellatio, giving head, sucking cock or swallowing cum I just couldn't let this one pass even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the aforementioned obsession.

A 60 year-old Asian man pretended to be a hunchback to smuggle his pet turtle on to a plane. He strapped the turtle to his back before boarding the plane to the Chinese city of Chongqing.

He got through security but was then stopped by a guard who thought his hump looked odd. A quick search uncovered the turtle which had a 20cm diameter and weighed about 5kg.

The man, who was flying home to Chongqing after eight years in Guangzhou, said he knew he was not allowed to take live animals on board but he was too attached to his turtle to leave it behind.

On a bright note, he was allowed to change planes as long as he checked the pet in as baggage.

Ain't that sweet

Posted: Tuesday 9th August 2005, 4:57 PM

The Clitoris

DID YOU KNOW...

The clitoris, a tiny nodule of tissue tucked under the top of the labia, measures just 2mm to 6mm (less than 1/4"), however its structure extends internally for a further 10cm (4"), which makes it roughly the same size as a flaccid penis.

It is the only organ in the human body dedicated solely to the provision of sexual pleasure and contains an electrifying 8,000 nerve endings (the penis contains only 6,000).

No prizes for guessing *I* was doing last night

Posted: Sunday 7th August 2005, 4:09 PM

Spit Or Swallow

In yet another valiant effort to remove the need for the age-old "spit or swallow" question, condom maker "Rip 'n' Roll" have designed the new "Tutti Fruit condoms".

While flavored condoms have been around for some time, these new condoms do their bit to add a little flavour to oral sex, coming in strawberry, banana or coconut flavors.

Gee... I wish *I* could come in three flavors!

Posted: Saturday 6th August 2005, 1:22 PM

Free Brothel Session

Yeah, I thought that might grab your attention. I'd say that was also the intention of a German magazine which sold out in a day after offering readers vouchers for a free sex session at an Austrian brothel.

When "Freizeit Magazine" readers opened the mag they found a full page advert promising "half an hour free sex with a lady of your choice" for anyone who cut out the coupon and brought it with them on their next visit to the Salzburg brothel.

Prostitution is legal in both countries and the ad promised "half an hour free sex with a lady of your choice" for anyone who cut out the coupon and brought it with them on their next visit.

Owners of the brothel report a boom in business since running the adverts.

Posted: Thursday 4th August 2005, 6:56 PM

Asian Fellatio Manual Banned

A wildly popular Asian translation of a British sex education manual, which describes how to perform fellatio and other intimate sex acts, has been banned by Japanese police.

The "Rabaazu Gaido," the Japanese translation of the British manual "The Lovers Guide," has been a huge hit since it hit the Japanese market a few months ago.

Since that time the book has gone into four printings and sold over 50,000 copies.

Hmm... the song "Turning Japanese" just started playing in my head.

Posted: Tuesday 2nd August 2005, 7:40 PM

Indian Oral Sex Porn Fans Punished

Oh goodness gracious me... Police in India forced nearly 200 cinema goers were taken to a public place and made to do 10 sit-ups each as punishment for watching a porn film featuring hardcore oral sex and intercourse scenes.

Instead of prosecuting the cinemas owners, as part of a new police tactic of trying to prevent pornographic movies from being screened, the Indian police are instead trying to scare their audience away.

The audience also had to promise never to watch porn again.

Oh yeah! That'll stop 'em!

Posted: Monday 1st August 2005, 6:43 PM

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