An oral sex blog for blowjob lovers by a guy who REALLY LOVES BLOWJOBS!

Blowjob Blonde

A blonde gets pulled over by a cop, who walks over to her window and asks "Can I see your driver's license Miss?"

"What's that?" asks the blonde.

"It's something saying you're old enough to drive," says the cop.

"Oh, I have one of those."

"Do you have your proof of insurance?" asks the cop.

"What's that?" came the blondes reply.

"It's proof that you own this car and are insured."

"Oh, I have one of those."

At this point, the cop is thinking that the blonde is really dumb and probably would do anything. So he pulls down his zipper and whips out his dick.

The blonde sees his cock and squeals "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalyzer test!"

My thanks to "MyWifeIsBlonde" for this one

Posted: Wednesday 30th June 2004, 7:51 PM

Penis Pump Trial

A judge in Sapulka, Oklahoma is in hot water after it was revealed he has a fondness for using sex toys. While that may not seem to be something you'd expect to raise an eyebrow, until you discover the judge has been using a penis pump while sitting at his bench while his court was in session!

Apparently the judge not only used the penis pump, but left evidence of semen under the bench in a trash can.

The attorney general charged that the judge used a penis pump during trials and exposed himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating on the bench.

A number of witnesses, including jurors in the judge’s courtroom and police officers called to testify in trials, said they heard the "swooshing" sound of a penis pump during trials and saw the judge slumped in his chair, with his elbows on his knees, working the device.

According to sexologist Dr. Joel Kaplan, the penis pump uses vacuum to create larger than natural erection. She said most men gain one to three inches in length and 25 percent in thickness.

Hey! To his credit, the plastic penis pump he was using is 10 inches long so something must be working!

If YOU'RE looking for a Penis Pump or other sex toys to spice up your love life... Check THIS online store... SEX TOY SEX. It has Dildos, Vibrators, Penis Pumps, Love Dolls and all sorts of erotic playthings at VERY reasonable prices!

Posted: Tuesday 29th June 2004, 5:47 PM

Kissing Grannies

Do you cringe when you have to go to family get-togethers? Do you hate kissing grannies, aunts and distant relatives just because you're related? "SlyFox" has the answer!

"When I was younger I hated going to weddings and engagement parties for family members. It seemed that all of the Aunts and grandmothers would come up to me, poke me in the ribs and tell me, "You're next."

They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals." he said

Well I reckon "SlyFox" is onto something and I can't wait to try out his strategy the next time I'm attacked by the kissing grannies in MY family.

Of course if horny old women turnyou on you really ought to take a a look at THESE HOT NUDE GRANNIES!

Posted: Monday 28th June 2004, 7:02 PM

Orgy Boat

We've all heard of the LOVE boat well now Cyprus has the ORGY boat!

An urgent inquiry was launched last night after a group of up to 100 tourists were filmed taking part in a graphic, sex orgy on a ferry cruise that went beyond every conceivable limit, according to the island's deputy chief of police.

"We are talking about people involved in acts of total debauchery. It's hard to even describe" he said.

The pictures of the night cruise show nude revellers, all under 30 and from the look of it tourists from Britain and Scandinavia, taking part in various sex acts while others watched on.

The ferry, which could take up to 200 passengers, is believed to have started out from the resort of Ayia Napa. However, because the scenes took place in international waters, beyond Cypriot jurisdiction, authorities will have to request arrest warrants from Interpol.

Now if you're wondering how the hell you can get a ticket on a cruise like that... you might want to check out "Captain Stabbin" and see what a man and his buddies get up to on his million dollar yacht!!

Posted: Sunday 27th June 2004, 2:48 PM

Penis Tax Deductions

Gee, the Blowjob Blog's readers are on the ball! Here's a few of the questions we'd be asking if the penis tax was ever introduced.

• What if your penis is self employed?
• Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
• Are condoms tax deductable i.e. work clothes expenses?
• Do you pay the full tax if you don't use the whole penis?
• Do you pay the same tax if only receiving a blowjob?
• Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
• Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

You guys crack me up sometimes!

Posted: Saturday 26th June 2004, 10:50 AM

Penis Tax

Yesterday's blog about penis politics reminded me of a tax that was being considered some time ago called the penis tax! Fortunately it wasn't approved as it was found that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole.

On top of that it has two dependants and they're both nuts.

Had the penis tax been approved all penis holders would have been taxed according to the size of their respective penises.

The tax brackets are as follows:

Any men with penises exceeding 12 inches in length would have to file under Capital Gains. Anyone under 4" would be eligble for a refund.

Posted: Friday 25th June 2004, 3:05 PM

Penis Politics

"PoliticAl" sent me this story about what he calls Penis Politics...

A few years ago the wives of the leaders of England, the US, France and Russia were chatting and got around to talking about what a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair said in England people call it a "Gentleman", because it stands up when women enter the room.

Vladimir Putin's wife said in Russia the penis is called a "Patriot", because you never know whether it will hit you in the front or in the backside.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a "curtain", because it goes down immediately after the act.

Well, Bill Clinton's wife said in the USA you call it a "Rumor", because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Of course it doesn't matter which country you're from, what political party you support or what you call the penis, one thing is for sure. We're ALL gonna get shafted by politicians one way or another

Posted: Thursday 24th June 2004, 5:52 PM

Biology Class Blowjob Blooper

"Chokem" emailed me this great story...

I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm. One of the girls asked "Why doesn't it taste sweet then"?

When she realised what she said, her face went bright red with embarassment.

When the teacher replied, "Because you taste sweetness with the front part of your tongue, not the part of your tongue way back in your throat", the girl started crying and left class.

I'm sure she was the most popular girl in class after that one (at least with the guys!)

Posted: Wednesday 23rd June 2004, 6:15 PM

Jeri Ryan Blowjob Fantasy

I love Jeri Ryan, the Borg beauty Seven of Nine, of Star Trek Voyager fame. I'm not that keen on her character in Boston Public and I haven't seen Practical Magic yet so I'll reserve my judgement on that one.

HOWEVER... can you imagine being at your favorite sex club and having her walk up to you and offer you a blowjob?! Hell, *I* can!!

Now if it seems to you that I've lost my marbles, this scenario is not so far fetched!

In court documents just unsealed, the hot Borg babe accused her ex-husband, Illinois Republican U.S. Senate candidate Jack Ryan, of forcing her to go to explicit sex clubs and trying to entice her to have intercourse with him while others watched.

One of the New York sex clubs they visited was a "bizarre club with cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling," according to her court filing.

Jeri Ryan alleged that her husband wanted her to have sex with him there while another couple watched. She refused. He asked her to give him a blowjob while other people watched but she was upset by the request and refused.

Well that's enough feeding of MY Jeri Ryan blowjob fantasy for one day. If I'm going to be assimilated I'd like to go out giving her 7 of 9!

Posted: Tuesday 22nd June 2004, 7:13 PM

Blowjob Tip

Ladies, here's a blowjob tip for those of you who don't particularly enjoy your partner blowing in your mouth...

You don’t HAVE to take it as far as ejaculation. Blowjobs are also GREAT foreplay and can be a big turn-on for both of you in the lead up to full sex.

Posted: Monday 21st June 2004, 5:43 PM

Pop Star Pornstar

Just when you thought Paris Hilton was hogging all the limelight, Croatian pop star Severina Vuckovic has earned celebrity pornstar status after appealing to the public to return or destroy private pictures of her enjoying a lusty sex romp which appeared on the internet this week.

Severina Vuckovic says pictures and an 11-minute video of her having sex with an unidentified dark-haired man had been stolen from her private collection.

They showed up on the internet on Tuesday and immediately became the hottest news in the former Yugoslav republic, as they show the pop star has definite porn star qualities as she performs a blowjob on her male friend who later reciprocates by going down on her.

Vuckovic said she would sue those found to be involved in the theft and distribution of the pictures for invasion of privacy and causing mental anguish. "The pictures are my private property. They were taken two years ago and were stolen," said the pop star cum pornstar.

Now doesn't THAT sound familiar?!

Posted: Sunday 20th June 2004, 11:06 AM

Wanking Or Dieting

I'm not sure if wanking will make you any smarter but if Dr. Hideo Yamanaka, director of the Toranomon-Hibiya Clinic, is to be believed, wanking will definately make you thinner than dieting!

Just follow his "masturbation diet" and you'll soon be able to squeeze back into those hip-hugging jeans that you've stashed at the back of your wardrobe.

It appears that ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. For each 2 kilos of body weight, you just need to squeeze out 2 liters of semen. Unfortunately an ordinary guy will have to do it around 100 times a month for it to have any effect - that's just over 3 times a day!

One guy, who tips the scales at 100 kilograms, decided he might as well have some fun in the process and headed for the red-light district in his area.

First he dropped in at a porno video parlor where DVDs (and hand play) can be enjoyed in private viewing rooms.

His next stop was a peep show, where, again in a private cubicle, he could watch a young nude girl feign her own efforts at, er, weight reduction.

This was followed by a visit to an "gentleman's club," where the climax of the session included a climax.

He ended his workout session at a strip club where, for an undisclosed sum, a young lady joined him in a private cubicle, disrobed, and energetically masturbated herself to orgasm while he did the same.

These efforts over a period of four hours resulted in his weight declining from 104.2 kilograms to 102.6. His muscle-to-fat ratio improved from 31.2 percent to 31.8; and his overall body fat ratio fell 0.8 percent.

Well there ya go guys! If you want to get in shape you better start wanking your way instead of dieting and give it a good tug or two, or three... or four...

Posted: Saturday 19th June 2004, 11:14 AM

Regular Sex Good For You

Discovering what I could have told them for nothing... German sociologist Werner Habermehl from the University of Hamburg says regular sex is good for you and can help university students pass exams and get better grades.

His scientific team tested students before and after sex and found that regular sexual activity significantly increased mental capability.

As well as decreasing the length of time needed to complete a course, students with a healthy sex life also received better marks, said Habermehl.

Conversely, they found celibate students found it harder to make the grade.

So the next time your parents hassle you about your exam grades tell 'em it's because you don't get enough sex. Or if they complain about you staying out late tell them you're putting in some extra hours improving your academic skills.

Posted: Friday 18th June 2004, 4:02 PM

Blowjob Cola

In what can only be described as an inspired effort, an old Coca Cola poster featuring a woman giving a blowjob was recently sold on Ebay for more than $100.

The banned X-rated poster was released in the mid 80s, and caused a total recall of all posters because of the picture which was painted in icecubes in the bottom right corner.

The graphic artist who designed the picture put it in as a joke and it went through unnoticed until someone spotted it on the back of a coke truck. The artist lost his job and was sued, all promotional material was recalled and destroyed, but this poster survived and found its way to Ebay.

Coca Cola representatives assure the Blowjob Blog that they have no plans for introducing a "Blowjob Cola" to cash in on the publicity

Posted: Thursday 17th June 2004, 2:56 PM

Viagra For Women

In an uncanny coincidence, which may explain why so many women are becoming addicted to sex, an Israeli doctor has developed Viagra for women... "Sheagra".

Dermatologist Dr. Avner Shemer says Sheagra "elevates natural sexual desire" and has been proven to successfully arouse women who have never before reached an orgasm. However he says some women will experience strong and extended sexual ecstasy, and on others there will be no effect at all," he said.

The list of ingredients in Sheagra includes magnolia flowers, saffron, lychee, nut seeds, oregano, persimmon, turmeric and fenugreek, to which the Yemenites attribute virility powers.

Sheagra will soon be available over the counter in Israeli pharmacies at the price of 60 shekels a capsule (approx $13). There are plans to market the product worldwide.

Posted: Wednesday 16th June 2004, 9:24 PM

Addicted To Sex?

After yet another study on our sexual habits and preferences, a Georgia company, BraveHearts, plans to offer getaways and group therapy for people who are addicted to sex, pornography, nasty thoughts and illicit liaisons.

They're planning to establish Hilton Head Island as a world-class resort for faith-based sexual addiction recovery.

The company spokesman advises that pornography infects your psyche and distorts the way you view relationships and sex.

"Twenty million Americans are fully addicted" to sex, he says. "The fastest growing group of sex addicts are women. Sex addiction is becoming the No. 1 addiction in America."

Well, I say what's wrong with THAT?! at least while we're enjoying sex we're not out bombing or invading another country.

OK... all those addicted to sex raise your left hand

Posted: Tuesday 15th June 2004, 7:14 PM

Blowjob Success

A sexy woman was walking along the street when she saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would, she climbed the ladder. She reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly man. "Give me a blowjob or climb the ladder to success" he said.

No contest, thought the woman, so she climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner man, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Give me head or climb the ladder to success" he said. "Well", thought the woman, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was another guy who, this time, was quite attractive. "Give me a blowjob or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.

She turned him down and went on up the ladder.

On the next cloud was an absolute hunk. Slim, muscular, attractive, the lot. "Perform fellatio on me or climb the ladder to success" he flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a bit of a gambler, she decided to climb again.

When she reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.

"Who are you?" the woman asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "My name's Cess. Glad you could make it! Now give ME a blowjob!"

Posted: Monday 14th June 2004, 2:58 PM

Blowjob One-liners

Here's a couple of blowjob one-liners sent in by "CunnyFunt"...

Q. Whats the smartest thing ever to come out of a womens mouth? A. Einstiens cock

Q. What do you call a blond with ponytails?
A. A blow job machine!

Posted: Sunday 13th June 2004, 8:48 PM

Why Free Porn Sites Are Good

Hey the sky isn't falling... there is ONE good thing about free porn sites - they let you get a sample of what's inside a good paysite.

Speaking from personal experience, the free pictures you get on your typical free porn site are about a third of the size of the pics on a paysite and the quality is nowhere near as crisp and clean.

Also, a free porn site can't offer things like live sex shows, full-length movies or live chat. Paysites do all that and a whole lot more.

The best part is you can take out a trial membership which usually lasts for 3 days for between $3 and $5 (check out any of the porn links on this page). That's less than an overnight porn video!

So, in closing your honor, I'd like to say that free porn sites aren't completely bad, they do have their uses, however the surfer needs to be aware of the problems they may cause. I rest my case.

Posted: Saturday 12th June 2004, 2:31 PM

Why Free Porn Sites Are Bad

One of the Blowjob Blog's readers, "MrCheap" emailed in asking the question "Why Pay For Porn?" His main point was that there were so many free porn sites around that he didn't feel the need to join a paysite to get all the porn he wanted.

Strangely enough the email from "MrCheap" had a virus attached... which brings me to MY point.

With free porn sites you get what you pay for. Free website makers have to pay for their web hosting and content somehow, just as I have to pay for the web hosting for this site.

Now I know several reputable free porn site makers who tell me that they pay for their web hosting bills by selling products off their websites (in much the same way that I pay for mine, with income made from commissions on the products that the Blowjob Blog's readers buy after clicking on links on this site).

However some free site builders use scripts and "bots" to install "SpyWare" which gathers information while you're viewing their free porn sites and they then sell THAT information to recoup the costs of providing you with free porn.

Not all of this Spyware is so friendly though. Some will hijack your browser settings so you HAVE to start on a particular web page every time you open your browser. (Which is NOT good if the computer is a work computer or a shared, family computer.

A "Trojan Horse" will open up a back door to your computer allowing unrestricted access to ALL of your files. (Only a problem if you have something you don't want others to see).

Some spyware will screw up your Operating System, resulting in an expensive repair bill from your local computer shop.

Some worms and viruses will attach themselves to emails, attempting to spread whenever the infected computer sends email to other internet users...

My guess would be that "MrCheap" has been surfing free porn sites quite a bit lately. All just to save a couple of bucks...

Posted: Friday 11th June 2004, 2:17 PM

Blow Job Secrets

One of the sales ladies at work came into my office and noticed I had a box of mints on my desk. As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter.

Turns out she'd recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message, going on and on about what a blow job goddess she was.

She was kind of puzzled, wondering what she'd done differently that made such an impression? It turns out that she's a smoker and before going down on him she'd gone to the bathroom to "freshen up."

Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on a few peppermints before giving him a blow job.

She passed her blow job secret onto another salesgirl, who immediately tried it out on her fiancee. Apparently he'd never been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another mint mid-blowjob. He's now a mint flavored blow job addict.

News spread like crazy among the women, who all went out at lunchtime to buy a box of mints. I guess their partners will be getting one hell of a corporate blow job tonight.

Some of the men found out too so they went out after work to buy them for their wives and strategized on how to get their wives to eat them.

Judging by conversations I've had with some of the married guys in the office, I don't think the problem will be getting their wives to eat the mints it will be getting them to suck their cocks afterwards!

On the bright side, THESE Horny Wives DO Suck Cock

Posted: Thursday 10th June 2004, 5:50 PM

Mature Blowjobs

Anyone here got a preference for mature blowjobs? "OldBabeLover" sent in this story... and he swears HE isn't the guy...

A man decided to have a face lift for his 40th. birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 30," was the reply.

"I'm actually 40," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the girl behind the counter the same question, to which she replies, "Oh you look about 27."

"I am actually 40!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 65 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I gave him a blowjob I'd be able to tell his exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell, unzipped his fly and let her give him a blowjob. Ten minutes later, after the guy's shot his load the old lady says. "You are 40 years old."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you know that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

Well, I suppose he DID get a blow job for his troubles but I wonder if she had to take her teeth our first?

If mature blowjobs get YOUR motor running, you might want to read about my Mature Blowjob Experience, or maybe even Horace's Toothless Blowjobs advice.

Posted: Wednesday 9th June 2004, 8:09 PM

Blowjob Jokes

I've had a few blowjob jokes sent in lately. Here's a short and sweet one that I thought was funny...

Q: What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from a woman?

A: Ten minutes of silence...

If you've got some oral sex jokes you'd like to share, send 'em in!

Posted: Tuesday 8th June 2004, 4:54 PM

Secretary Sex

After yesterday's blog about cheating wives, "BirthdayBoy" from Arlington sent in this marriage-ending secretary sex story...

It was my birthday when I went down to breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, "Oh well, she just forgot." The kids will be down in a few minutes and they'll sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

After a while the kids came running in, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling depressed, I left for work.

When I walked into the office my secretary greeted me with a sexy smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss." Her remembering made me feel a lot better.

Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"

So, when lunchtime came around, we locked up the office and drove out to a little out-of-the-way restaurant and had a nice lunch and a couple of beers. When it was time to go back to work my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I'll fix you another drink?"

I didn't need much persuading so we went back to her apartment where she fixed us both a drink before leading me to her bedroom. "I think I'll slip into something more comfortable before I give you your present," she said and left the room.

This was the first time that I'd ever thought of having sex with my secretary but it WAS my birthday and she'd made me feel special.

Five minutes later she opened her bedroom door carrying a big birthday cake, and following her was my wife and kids and a few others from the office... and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

Ouch! I can see the new reality TV show "When Office Affairs Go Wrong"...

Now, if YOU'VE got a thing for Secretary Sex you'll REALLY love this site ;)

Posted: Monday 7th June 2004, 6:37 PM

Cheating Wives

"Wifeless" from Dakota has an interesting tale about cheating wives and the trouble they cause.

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming.

To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it.

Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with his wife-to-be, taken after he'd gotten suspicious and hired a private detective to trail them. After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you." He turned to the bride and said, "Fuck you," and then said, "I'm outta here".

He had the marriage annulled the next day.

While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge? Making the bride's parents pay for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what happened, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.

So for any potential cheating wives out there, (or husbands for that matter!), think twice, then think again... you never know who's watching from that van with the dark tinted windows.

Of course if you'd like to watch Cheating Wives in action, this site is the BEST on the net.

Posted: Sunday 6th June 2004, 1:12 PM

Blowjob Happy Meal

"BJnFries", one of the Blowjob Blog's readers has found a new addition to the menu at Macca's... The "Blowjob Happy Meal"

Hey if they were serving more of these... they'd have less customer complaints, their customers would be healthier and they really COULD call it a happy meal! They'd also have little trouble getting staff...

I have a friend whose opening line when trying to pick up women was "Hey do you work at McDonald's?"

To which 99.9% of girls would say "No".

He'd follow up with "Well I suppose a McFuck's out of the question then?"

Strangely enough, that line actually worked on at least one occasion that I saw... I also saw him copping a mouthful on many, many more occasions so if you're gonna try that out be prepared for the consequences!

Posted: Saturday 5th June 2004, 10:24 AM

Sex Toy Slip-Up

"SexToySally" sent me in this funny one... it looks like it's right out of "101 Uses For Your Favorite Sex Toys, Vibrators And Dildos".

Hehehe... that's right up there with yesterday's dog pic for the award for the "Most Embarassing Sex Toy Experience".

Posted: Friday 4th June 2004, 3:15 PM

Doggy Style Sex Toys

"MagnusK" sent me this pic after reading yesterday's sex toys web log. This is definitely NOT what you want your dog to do when you have company over...

Not quite the doggy style sex we've come to enjoy!

Posted: Thursday 3rd June 2004, 6:20 PM

Adult Sex Toys, Dildos and Vibrators

If you ever need to buy a "special" novelty gift for a friend, girlfriends or boyfriends, here's a great place for Adult Sex Toys, Dildos and Vibrators.

They've got the biggest range of adult toys and sex aids I've ever seen and the prices are very, very competitive.

Not only do they have vibrators and dildos, but they also sell erotic clothing, novelties, games, adult videos, dvd's, condoms, candles, incense, lights, lubes and lotions to help set the mood, start the party and keep the fun flowing.

Of course the best part is, they discretely deliver your sex toys right to your door ;)

Posted: Wednesday 2nd June 2004, 9:25 PM

Fellatio Olympics

With the Athens Olympic Games just a few short months away, "GoodSport" emailed me this timely submission for a new sport he'd like to see added to the Olympics competition schedule...

Posted: Tuesday 1st June 2004, 6:16 PM