May 2005 archives of the oral sex blog for blowjob lovers by a guy who REALLY LOVES BLOWJOBS!

Paris Hilton Blowjob Movie

Nah, it's not the Paris Hilton blowjob movie you've been bombarded with for the last year or so. Her latest fellatio folly is in the NEW horror movie "House Of Wax" which stars Paris Hilton along with Chad Michael Murray, Elisha Cuthbert and a couple of other gorgeous, but short-lived, b-grade actors.

The hotel heiress features in a scene apparently sending herself up when she's videoed giving a guy a blowjob. (Stick to what you're good at I suppose!)

The storyline revolves around six dumb college kids being forced to stay overnight in a waxworks museum.

Just about every horror cliche follows, plus a large serving of the best bits of Elisha Cuthbert and Paris Hilton's blowjob scene. What more could you ask from a definite B-grade movie.

Of course if you want REAL, hardcore blowjob movies, featuring women who LOVE to suck cock, you know where to click.

Posted: Tuesday 31st May 2005, 4:18 PM

Tattooed Accountant

"Lucy" emailed me with something I just had to share with you all...

An accountant comes home late one day and tells his wife "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" the woman said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"

"Well, I like to watch my money grow," he began.

"Once in a while, I like to play with my money."

"I like how money feels in my hand."

"But the best part is, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

Now I know accountants have a boring job but that's a funny way to relieve the boredom! Hey Lucy... your husband's not an accountant by any chance?

Posted: Sunday 29th May 2005, 7:37 PM

Mesothelioma

In my inbox yesterday I had a sad email from the wife of a guy I used to live next door. He recently passed away after contracting the environmental cancer Mesothelioma.

George was a forty-odd year old building construction worker who was a great guy who loved a beer and a laugh. His wife Rebecca was a gorgeous, happy person who loved life to the full.

Mesothelioma is a nasty, asbestos related cancer which slowly destroys your internal organs.

George and Rebecca deserved better. Lawyers are now filing a class action law suit against the manufacturers of asbestos on behalf of George and other victims.

Posted: Friday 27th May 2005, 2:16 PM

What Is Love?

A group of researchers posed this question to a group of 4 to 8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think...

• "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8
• "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy - age 4
• "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5
• "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6
• "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
• "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7
• "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 5
• "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate." - Nikka - age 6
• "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7
• "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6
• "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." - Clare - Age 5
• "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine - age 5
• "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris - age 8
• "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4
• "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age 4
• "I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." - Bethany - age 4
• "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." - Karen - age 7
• "Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." - Mark - age 6
• "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica - age 8

AWWW! Ain't that sweet!

Posted: Thursday 26th May 2005, 2:11 PM

Doggy Style

"Doggy Style" emailed me with this rib-tickler...

Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A. Pick him up and give him a blow job.

Not quite the doggy style sex we're used to !

Posted: Tuesday 24th May 2005, 6:10 PM

Pumpkin Fuckers Alibi

Here's what must be the best attempt at coming up with an alibi on short notice...

Wimbledon police arrested a 27 year old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm last Friday.

The man explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." He stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

He went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

In the process, he apparently failed to notice the police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until an officer approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." Said the officer. "I walked up to him and he's just banging away at this pumpkin. I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?"

The man has since been charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

Posted: Monday 23rd May 2005, 4:59 PM

Did You Know?

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.
2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.
4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.
8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.
13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size.
15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.
17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.
19. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.

Posted: Saturday 21st May 2005, 1:50 PM

High Sperm Count

Q. How do you know if you've got a high sperm count?
A. your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

Posted: Friday 20th May 2005, 2:38 PM

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

Have you ever wondered why men are happier than women?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• One mood - all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• One wallet, one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Is it any wonder men are happier than women!

Posted: Thursday 19th May 2005, 7:55 PM

Blowjob Definition

Seeing as how Bill Clinton didn't view a blowjob as having sex, I looked up the word "BLOWJOB" in the dictionary. (Yeah, I know... I need to get a life )

blowjob (blô'jŏb')
n. Vulgar Slang.
The act or an instance of fellatio.

The noun blowjob has one meaning: slang terms for fellatio

Synonym: cock sucking

Posted: Wednesday 18th May 2005, 5:20 PM

Fellatio Scenes In New Movie

There's a bit of a buzz going around about a new movie which is about to hit our cinemas. Mexican director, Carlos Reygadas is copping plenty of flak for his new film "Batalla en el Cielo" ("Battle in Heaven") for its raw sex scenes.

The movie opens with scenes of a teenage girl performing fellatio on an overweight middle-aged driver.

Later in the movie two grossly overweight people are shown getting it on - drawing boos and whistles at a special screening for the press.

Reygadas explained that he wanted to present realistic sex scenes between normal people, real housewives and working husbands, as he was disturbed by the way many commercial films arrange bed sheets in an unrealistic way in order to conceal body parts during sex scenes, or use actors with perfect bodies.

Ya know, I have to agree with him. I don't know how many times I've been watching Eva Longoria (Gabrielle Solis) in Desperate Housewives and ended up thinking to myself "That's bullshit! She'd be covered in cum and rolling around stark naked by now!"

Posted: Tuesday 17th May 2005, 8:57 PM

Cheerleaders Touchdown Club

I was just reading a story about a group of cheerleaders who devised a novel way to motivate their underperforming football team. The girls created "The Touchdown Club", where any player who scored a touchdown gets to receive a blowjob off any of the cheerleaders.

It worked! The unnamed New Jersey team went from the bottom of the ladder to become a serious title contender.

Three cheers for the cheerleaders!!

Did someone say CHEERLEADERS!

Posted: Sunday 15th May 2005, 4:17 PM

Secrets To A Happy Marriage

Now you're probably thinking "It's OBVIOUS! Blowjobs are the secret to a happy marriage". Well you wouldn't be too far wrong but "PapaLarry" has a diferent story to tell...

SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, though very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back. I'm going to the bar with the boys to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want beer, my love?" and opened the door to the refrigerator with 25 different kinds of beer from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop, but at the bar they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence as the wife interrupted with, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" and took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious..."

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" interjected the wife, as she opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey, at the bar, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?" replied his wife... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER... GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and they lived happily ever after.

Got a thing for Lonely Housewives?

Posted: Saturday 14th May 2005, 2:44 PM

Oral Sex Causes Car Crash

Maybe it's a bit of DejaVu but just days after I posted the joke about the Car Blowjob Accident, I read the following news story...

Police in Romania were shocked to find a car crash was caused because a couple were having oral sex while driving.

The driver lost control on a crowded road in Craiova, Dolj county, and collided with an oncoming car, reports Editie Speciala newspaper.

The young man, whose identity was not revealed, admitted to police that he was having a "hell of a time" at the time of the crash.

Police said the couple were still in their car, fully naked, when officers reached the scene of the accident.

A police spokesperson said: "They were having oral sex while driving. We hope they have learned their lesson now - not to do anything distracting while driving."

Damn! I gotta wonder whether he's still "intact" though...

Here's some hot and sweaty Sex In Cars!

Posted: Thursday 12th May 2005, 6:45 PM

Nanny Takes Blowjob Lessons

Do we have any fans of the TV show "The Nanny" out there?

I'm not a big fan of the show myself as I've always found the voice of lead actress Fran Drescher to be more than a little irritating. However her great body does make the show worth watching on a slow TV night.

I've thought how great it would be to shut up her screeching by filling her mouth with my cock and now it seems she's a huge fan of oral sex! So much so that she once took lessons to improve on her skills.

"We had a girls night where we invited this woman who's like a blowjob lecturer and she brought a suitcase full of rubber penises which we practised her blowjob lessons on." said "Miss Fine".

Damn it woman! You don't need to practise on rubber cocks! You can practice on ME

Posted: Tuesday 10th May 2005, 6:49 PM

Car Blowjob Accident

In an appalling blowjob accident, a man had his penis severed when he hit a tree while his wife was giving him a blowjob while he was driving their car.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. He said the cost would be $4,500 for "small", $9,500 for "medium" or $16,000 for "large".

The guy thought he'd get a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

Posted: Monday 9th May 2005, 5:30 PM

Burger Slut Blowjob Offer

My Dad nearly had a heart attack today.

He was out shopping and thought he'd stop by a local burger joint for some lunch. While he was waiting to be served a couple of "young chicks with glassy eyes" came in and asked if they could have some burgers and come back next week when they had money and pay for them. The woman behind the cash register said no (of course).

This is when things got a bit weird. They approached my Dad and asked him to buy them some burgers. When he politely declined the "prettier one" then said "If you buy us some burgers I'll give you a blowjob".

WTF! I hope THAT sort of luck runs in the family!

(BTW... he passed up on the offer but bought them a burger anyway - well THAT'S what he told me anyway )

Posted: Saturday 7th May 2005, 3:50 PM

Louisiana Blowjobs

The U.S. State of Louisiana has finally entered the 21st. century! Residents can now enjoy blowjobs without fear of being jailed!

Until recently, the state had a prohibition against oral sex as part of its "crimes-against-nature" law. An appeals court has now upheld the decision by 24th Judicial District Judge Robert Murphy that the section of the law that prohibited oral sex should be struck out of the statute.

Yeehaa! It's BLOWJOB TIME in Louisiana!

Posted: Thursday 5th May 2005, 6:26 PM

Unwanted Fellatio

Yup, there is such a thing as unwanted fellatio...

A 23 year old Norwegian woman has been sentenced to nine months in jail and fined more than $US6,000 for performing fellatio on a sleeping 31-year-old man.

The man was asleep on a friend's couch and awoke to find the woman having oral sex with him while the woman's 40-year-old lover watched.

Man, I know guys who'd PAY to have a girl suck their cock while they were asleep!

Reminds me of Marie, my oral sex alarm clock girlfriend. That girl was a fellatio whiz who just LOVED to suck cock!

Posted: Wednesday 4th May 2005, 5:09 PM

Desperate Husband's Letter To Wife

This may seem a little long but it's the funniest thing I've read in ages. "Dear John" emailed the following letter for me to share with the Blowjob Blog's readers. It's from a desperate man who's going through some marital difficulties with his wife.

To his credit he DOES seem to be doing everything he can to patch things up.

Dear Jenny,

I’m writing this from a lonely fishing lodge up in Montana. The past few weeks have been so empty and hollow with us not together.

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn’t wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things.

I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says… "There’s no one like you, Jenny."

I look for you in the eyes & breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close.

Two weeks ago I met a young housewife at the supermarket and brought her home with me. (I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation). She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn’t believe and an ass like a tortoise shell and skin like baby powder rubbed on a soft inflated balloon. Every man’s dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch getting a blowjob from this horny young housewife I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I’m getting at? Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jenny? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m growing up a little.

Later, after I’d tossed her about a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking. "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger for my bodily fluids, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there, Jenny, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. My God, Jenny, I’m just going crazy without you.

And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Lisa, that single mom we met at Mt. Kells Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of meatloaf. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant until later, but that’s not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re fucking in our old bedroom. And this lady’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it is totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. ‘Cause I can’t help thinking, "Why didn’t Jenny ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean?

What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That’s the saddest part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you.

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Wanda’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She’s pulling for us to get back together, Jenny. She really is.)

So we’re drinking wine in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here’s this unselfish girl with the same DNA as you (although, let’s face it, she got an extra helping of the sex gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 20. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Wanda’s really into the whole doggy style thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside the steaming Dutch oven of your sister’s hot wetness, all I can do is think of you? It’s true baby. In your heart you know it.

Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you’d just try it, I wouldn’t have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Jenny. It just tears us apart and I can’t be apart from you. In a few weeks when I get back from fishing we should do our best to meet and talk about it.

Because I love you.

Awww... Isn't that sweet?!

Now check out THESE Cheating Housewives!

Posted: Tuesday 3rd May 2005, 11:44 AM

Blowjob Positions

One of my favorite blowjob positions is called "The Injector Seat".

Here's how you do it...

1. Have the woman sit on the floor with her knees bent and her legs spread open about two feet.

2. The guy sits in between her legs, with HIS legs on either side of her waist.

3. He now raises himself off the ground using his arms for support with his knees beside her shoulders.

4. The woman should now place both hands on his raised ass as she performs fellatio on him.

It's not a bad workout either

Posted: Sunday 1st May 2005, 6:44 PM

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