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Husband and Wife Sex
I just read a story from "MajStress" and I got such a good laugh from it I thought the rest of you might enjoy it as well.
Dandy writes...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT?!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband and boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out an expensive pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank and her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Then just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Posted: Sunday 30th October 2005, 3:00 PM
Giving Head With Condoms
"LatexLover" emailed me yesterday to tell me that she only gives head to her boyfriend if he wears a condom. Now a lot of us may cringe at the idea, some may find it a complete turn-off, but this gal says her boyfriend doesn't mind a bit as she uses her mouth to put on the condom!
She says...
"When I was a freshman in university I saw a health education lecturer demonstrating how to put a condom on using a banana in place of the penis. You just pinch the tip of the condom, as you normally would to expel the air, then press that between your lips. Now instead of unravelling the condom with your fingers, you slowly push it down with your lips.
The fear of losing sensitivity when a condom is covering the penis can be overcome by using extra force, especially under the sensitive tip, and keeping his penis warm with your mouth. While he might not be able to feel the movements of your tongue quite as much, the vibrations from your moaning will still get him hotter than hell.
Another benefit of using a condom is that the "spit or swallow" conundrum is solved, as he can cum in your mouth to his heart's content because the condom is there to catch his load."
Ya know what, she presents a sound argument for giving head with condoms that I might have to give it a shot myself (getting, not giving though  )
Posted: Thursday 27th October 2005, 5:07 PM
Blowjob Golf Challenge
Three men were waiting to tee off at the 1st hole of their local golf course when a beautiful woman asked if she could join them. Being one short of a foursome they quickly agreed.
By the 18th hole the woman had a 40 foot put to make par for the round. She turned and asked the guys, "I'll give a blowjob to whoever can tell me how to putt this."
The first guy views the lay of the green and advises "Just putt it straight and hard and it'll go in!"
The second guy says, "There's a slight slope to the left so putt it 6 inches to the right and it'll go in the hole!"
The third guy walks up and says, "Looks like a gimme to me..."
Ya might have to be a golfer to understand this one 
Posted: Sunday 23rd October 2005, 3:17 PM
Group Sex Holiday
Of course you have to pity the poor old British pensioners who booked a nice relaxing holiday at the 4-Star Blue Bay Getaway hotel in the Mexican resort of Cancun and ended up getting far more than they bargained for.
Instead of enjoying a lazy fortnight in the sun they found themselves surrounded by sex crazy swingers romping naked in the swimming pool, playing booze fuelled oral sex games and lesbian sex shows.
Among the "leisure activities" the elderly couple witnessed at the resort were...
- Men licking a woman's breasts in a drinking game combining tequila and oral sex.
- Drunken women simulating sex with a banana.
- Men with blow-up dolls.
- Naked couples in the swimming pools having sex.
- Two guys having a threesome with a buxom girl.
- Kissing competitions.
- Lovely Legs competitions, which verged on live sex shows.
Looks like another place to add to my list of fun holiday destinations!
Posted: Friday 21st October 2005, 4:04 PM
Vikings Group Sex Romp
I don't really see what all the fuss is about but the Minnesota Vikings are in hot water after an alleged group sex party on Lake Minnetonka.
What puzzles me though, is that the players and the women involved were all consenting adults engaging in consensual sexual activities.
Isn't sex a matter of personal lifestyle choice? As individuals we get to decide when, how and with whomever we want to have sex.
Why should that be any different for these football players and the women who agreed to join in? 
Posted: Wednesday 19th October 2005, 6:49 PM
Auto Fellatio
No, "Auto-fellatio" ISN'T about getting a blowjob in a car. It's the term used to describe the ability of a man to suck his own cock.
Now I can't do it, (ahem, not that I've tried of course), but apprently two men out of every hundred ARE able to "auto fellate".
Which reminds me of the old joke, "Why does a dog lick its balls? Because it CAN".
I think I'll stick to blowjobs in cars for my dose of auto fellatio.
Posted: Monday 17th October 2005, 4:46 PM
Elvis Was A Blow Job Fan!
Although it probably shouldn't come as any surprise, a new Playboy interview reports that the late, great King of Rock 'n' Roll, Elvis Presley, was a BIG fan of the blow job.
In a new Playboy interview, Byron "The Siren" Raphael, who Presley allegedly hired to find girls for him to "play around with," admits the nights would often end in heartbreak because Elvis would refuse to go "all the way" with his one night stands. Quite often Elvis would fall asleep soon after he had ejaculated, leaving the girls unsatisfied and begging for more. (NO! Men don't do that do they?! )
Posted: Saturday 15th October 2005, 4:35 PM
Dirty Sex Talk
"FoulMouth" emailed me yesterday about her love of dirty talk during sex with her husband.
She writes "I really love hearing my husband talking dirty and saying nasty things to me while we fuck. It gets me really horny but my problem is that my husband doesn't like to talk dirty to me.
His reason is that he doesn't think he's any good at it. I don't NEED dirty talk to get off, as our sex life is great without it, but I'd still like to find a way to get him to come out of his shell and make things even MORE satisfying".
Wow! I'll bet there are plenty of jealous husbands reading this and thinking, "Now why can't MY wife be like that?!"
Ya see, the thing is, we're all different. We all want and like different things to some degree. As I've said before the key to solving this problem is comunication.
If you want your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or lover to talk dirty to you during sex, just tell them that. All they need to do is to tell you what they're about to do (e.g "I'm going to finger your pussy"), tell you what they're doing ("I'm rubbing your boobs") and tell you what they've just done ("I made your clit hard").
I think a lot of husbands LOVE to talk dirty to their sexy housewives and, after all, practice makes perfect! 
Posted: Thursday 13th October 2005, 7:15 PM
Outdoor Group Sex Orgies
It would never happen in THIS country but it seems as if there's a problem with outdoor sex orgies which Dutch police and park rangers have admitted they are powerless to stop!
In the latest incident, a large group of people were found romping naked on a beach in the Bussloo area of the country, including 10 couples who were being "particularly boisterous" with each other while others stood around and watched.
Police called to the scene admitted they were powerless to act despite numerous complaints from other beach users, and could only give the naked group sex orgy lovers a verbal warning. (Is that like an ORAL warning? )
The head of one of Holland's biggest national parks says the problem is getting worse and has called for the government to make clear guidelines on outdoor sex orgies to allow police to act.
Outdoor sex is now commonly occurring in national parks and other public places. In some cases they just stopped beside the road in the picnic area or a meadow for the orgies.
Hmm... I feel the need for a holiday 
Posted: Tuesday 11th October 2005, 12:52 PM
Surprised Salesman
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of suburban home in the early afternoon.
The door is opened by a ten year old boy with a cigarette in his mouth, can of beer in one hand and Playboy magazine in the other.
The salesman asks: "Is your mother home?"
The boy removes the cigarette from his mouth, blows a smoke ring and says: What do you fucking think?"
Posted: Sunday 9th October 2005, 1:47 PM
Porn DVD Risks
Just when you thought it was safe to watch porn dvds...
A Jacksonville man discovered that driving while watching porn is a bad idea. More accurately, driving while watching porn when you have crack cocaine in your wallet right next to your driver’s license is a VERY bad idea.
A Jacksonville Police Officer was patrolling his normal beat when he noticed an X-rated video on the 14-inch TV screen inside a passing car.
"As the vehicle went by, I observed on the video a black male and a black female having vaginal intercourse, then the black female performed oral sex on the black male."
When the officer pulled the carr over the 29-year-old driver told the officer he did not know it was illegal to watch porn dvds while driving.
To make matters worse, when the officer asked the driver to produce his license, the officer found a bag of crack cocaine in his wallet.
A subsequent search of the vehicle netted several additional small bags of the drug.
Incidents involving car porn are not new, having been reported ever since vehicles first started coming equipped with DVD players and televisions. Thirty-eight U.S. states currently have official laws against driving a vehicle and watching television at the same time, and recent porn violations in vehicles range from an embarrassed lawyer in New York caught driving through a suburban church community to an Alaskan man police say caused a fatal accident when he began masturbating to a video while crossing a busy intersection.
Think I'll stick to watching my porn dvds at home!
Posted: Friday 7th October 2005, 3:44 PM
Pregnant Sex
Speaking of pregnant sex... during her pregnancy, Britney bragged on her reality show, "Chaotic", that her sex life had reached new heights since she fell pregnant.
"I think it's the best", she told the shaky camera during one episode. "Sex is crazy good."
She then begged husband Kevin Federline, her former backup dancer, for sex and asked him if she could take a day off from her Onyx concert tour "to just fuck all day".
That would fit with my friend Doug's experience that pregnant women have a HUGE sexual appetite. (See Pregnant Sex for his story) 
Posted: Wednesday 5th October 2005, 6:10 PM
Britney Spears Sex Video
I suppose, after Paris Hilton's video sexcapades, it was only a matter of time before another high profile celebrity was caught on film doing the deed. Rumors are now circulating of a Britney Spears sex tape featuring the singer with her husband Kevin Federline.
According to the US Weekly report, an unnamed source said a former employee secretly copied a home-made sex video tape that Britney and Kevin made a short time after she became pregnant, but before they were married.
Considering her recent efforts at improving her blowjob skills, (see Britney Spears Masters Oral Sex for more details), this new celebrity sex tape should make for very interesting viewing.
Posted: Monday 3rd October 2005, 5:25 PM
Fellatio
The word fellatio comes from the Latin term "fellatus" - meaning to suck. (A woman who performs fellatio is a "fellatrice"). I guess things haven’t changed much since back in those glory days. But I guess, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Posted: Saturday 1st October 2005, 3:03 PM
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